Writing Project from this past fall, I post this in honor of my Mother who Passed away 4 Years ago today.

One of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life, “my cancer has come back”. Those words came from my mother just about five years ago. I recall it being a pretty average school day to start, but a beautiful fall day. I had been leaving class, maybe even a cello lesson. I was walking to my next class and enjoying the beautiful weather. I think I had called my mother because I typically did at that time. I had a bit of a gap between class and a little bit of a walk so I took that opportunity during that time in my schedule to call my Mom and talk.
I think we talked about something else before hand, what I had done so far that day, nothing too important or just not enough to hold weight to what followed. My Mom shared with me that she had gone to the doctor and had confirmed her cancer had returned. I didn’t even know how to process this information. It was such a beautiful day, the sun was out, the air was fresh but my world just stopped.
All my worst childhood memories came flooding back to me. Things that I had even forgotten, things that I had filed away because it all had passed, or so I thought. I don’t even know what we said afterwards, if anything. I don’t even remember what I did afterwards. I don’t think I had any emotion because I hadn’t processed it right away what it meant. I know I had a terrible gut feeling. The kind that makes you uninterested in anything, the feeling that you know something is wrong in the world right now and there is nothing you can do to change it. I think I cried later that day but after the phone call I just sat on a bench and looked at the river.
I just thought about how beautiful the weather was, and when I was a child and thought it was weird my Mom was going to the doctor all the time because it wasn’t unusual to go to the doctor but I thought it was a lot more than usual. I was thinking the temperature was perfect, I was wearing longer clothing most likely jeans and a sweatshirt but I wasn’t too warm or cold just sitting outside. I was thinking about how my parents sort of explained to my brothers and myself as children how my Mom was sick and she was going to get a surgery and then have to take some medicine that would make her hair fall out, and how after the conversation I was crying in my room because all of my Mom’s beautiful hair would be gone, and feeling horrible looking back and thinking hair loss was what I was worried about the worst. Not exactly grasping that my Mother’s life was in jeopardy.
I recall thinking that this was a perfect part of autumn where the leaves were changing to beautiful colors and the grass was still green. I recall as a child watching the news every night close to dinnertime and often hearing about the statistics of breast cancer but to a child translating all that I heard to breast cancer equaling death. I recall the sun feeling good and healing in a way the sun always feels like. The memory of finding out that my Mother’s sickness was breast cancer in the worst way possible comes at me like a tidal wave. Remembering all these people at our house when my Mom came home with their gift of food mostly and playing outside with some kids, most of them I didn’t know. I recall this girl, which I recall as being bratty but as I get older maybe thinking I have might have just warped that detail in my memory because of the news she brought. She came up to me and said that my Mom and Breast Cancer. I remember getting into a fight with her because if my Mom had breast cancer my parents would have tolled me, they said she was just sick so that’s all it is. So I remember going to my Mom who was sitting at the kitchen table in tears saying that some girl had said she had breast cancer and wanted my mother to say that the girl was obviously wrong but then I was heart broken to find out that the girl was right. That’s when I first learned that my Mother had cancer and that feeling had been buried for years.
After all the years of going through chemo, having my Mom explain to my classmates when she went to help out for events why her hair was gone. Then getting the good news that there was no sign of the cancer in her system, then the celebratory dinner from when she finished her last treatment for cancer. Once all that had happened, that feeling was filed away and as more time passed the further back it was placed. Other dramas had passed and been solved but all it took was one phone call to bring back all those repressed memories. They were back and just as raw as once they first occurred.

I accepted defeat for the night on my battle against school work. I painfully pushed through and finished one part of what I wanted to get done at least. There is just too many other thoughts going through my head right now to take in anymore homework. Since I can’t win against my battle against school work tonight, I’m going to work on my battle against the dark spawn by playing some Dragon Age. Maybe killing some will help my mind wonder away from the current thoughts in my head?

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I wish I could justify dropping that amount of money on a head band, it’s really beautiful!!